Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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