a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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