I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
