So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
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