That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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