I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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