franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
