just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
