And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
