I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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