I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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