apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
