Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
