Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
