Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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