I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
