I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
