Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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