Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
