we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
