I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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