I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Randomize
