Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Two words: blizzard sex
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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