Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
