I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
