Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
