Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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