I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
