So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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