She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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