i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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