He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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