literally had 100 drinks last night.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
