I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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