she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
