Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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