I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize