I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
