Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
