Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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