Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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