You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
