I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
