I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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