and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
