I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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