You're my little dorito
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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