don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She tied me up with her honor cords...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
