He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
