I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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