she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
