Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
