Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
