My nipple is on Facebook.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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