I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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