I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Damn victory sex feels great
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
