What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize